Twerk it Out, Miley

Imagine a world where touching your crotch is celebrated, sticking your tongue out for no apparent reason is socially acceptable and making out with everyone and anyone is encouraged.  Well my friends, you have just entered the Miley Cyrus experience.  You see, this past Thursday I had the pleasure to work the Miley Cyrus BANGERZ Tour at the Tampa Bay Times Forum. (BANGERZ has to be in all caps to truly emphasize the amount of bang at this show.)  I had only been to one other concert in my life (The Red Hot Chili Peppers back in 06, a fantastic show.)  and I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into.  I soon found out.

The crowd was unlike anything I have ever seen before.  I encountered a man wearing a dress with jeans and nothing underneath. The reason for no undershirt was to of course flaunt his manly chest hair oozing out of his spaghetti straps I’m guessing?  There was a pack of six drunk girls in my section who could not have been older than 18 and clearly were not accustomed to the Miley Cyrus BANGERZ lifestyle.  In other words, they could not hang.  I even had two adult women that were easily 50 years old arguing about the fact that they missed Miley open.  I almost had to separate them. I repeat, two adult women that were easily 50….  I also thoroughly enjoyed coming across the random dad that was in attendance, each one would give me the what the hell am I doing here annoyed face followed by a gigantic sigh of sadness.   Picture something like this:

I can’t wait to be a dad.

Quick tangent:  Why do the girls that attend this concert come half-naked and drunk when they know that most of the people who are going to be in attendance are going to be girls?? It is needless to say that there are just certain things that I will forever be able to un-see… And not in a good way by any means.  Twerking has never gone so wrong, so quickly.  And it’s all thanks to this little badass/fuck the establishment phase you are going through Miley.  Sweet freaking niblets.

Another quick tangent:  It was interesting to see all of the different characters that represented Liam during her performance.  In one video montage, he was an angry rabbit upsetting a precious girl monkey.  As time went on, he transformed into a gigantic dancing ostrich-like bird on stage.  I truly have no idea what to make of it.  Maybe you guys can translate that one for me.

After Miley sang her first song, she acknowledged the crowd by saying “WHAT’S UP TAMPAAAAA?!  I just want to thank y’all for showing me such a great time yesterday.  I had a few too many and I got a little fucked up, but that’s okay y’all.  LET’S GET FUCKING TURNT IN HERE TONIGHTTTTT!”  (This is not an exact quote because it is impossible for me to remember exactly, but I promise you I am not exaggerating at all on the premise of what came out of her mouth.)  I felt like I was watching a car crash, I could just not look away.  I believe I even cringed a few times as screaming fans belched “HOLY FUCK, YESSSSSS MILEY!!!!!”  I either cringed, or looked at them with a face similar to this:

I had just entered the Hannah Montana bizarro world.

As the night progressed, I came across some more visuals that cannot be unseen.  Ever.  This time, it was thanks to Miley herself.  She was singing her song “Love, Money, Party” which of course is the theme of any white girl from the South. (It really isn’t, that was a joke.)  In order to enhance her performance, she brought a supremely large gold sedan onto the stage (to emphasize the money and party parts of the song) then out of nowhere decides to give the hood of the car a solid 15 or so dry humps (to emphasize the love portion of the song).  At one point, she was upside down with her tongue out gyrating in ways that were previously foreign to my eyes.  And thus, we all obtained a better understanding of the true meaning of “Love, Money, Party”.

Fast forward to the last third of the show, and Miley decided to break out her biggest strength in my opinion, her acoustic side.  She surprised fans by moving to a smaller stage on the other side of the forum in order to get closer with them.  I had the privilege of helping security hold back the screaming fans on the floor by the stage during this time period.  That’s right, I was literally five feet away from THE Miley Cyrus.  And guess what, her tongue is fake!  Just kidding.  Anyways, I actually enjoyed this segment.

Miley, despite all of her antics over this past year or so, truly does have a great voice when she decides to be tender with it.  I feel like she should be enjoying a career similar to the likes of Carrie Underwood, but instead she is trying to be this rebellious icon that I personally think doesn’t properly suit her.  This whole Liam thing obviously threw her for a real loop, and I am sensitive to that.  But, Miley needs to realize that she is still a main figure in this mostly crazy, media-driven world that we are living in nowadays.  The little girls who grew up on her being Hannah Montana are now teenagers and are naturally following in her footsteps with this whole “LETS GET TURNT!!!!” phase because they adore her every move.  Seeing what she has become live and in person truly made a part of me sad.  Because I have a little sister who adored her when she was Hannah Montana, and I know she adores her even more right now as a true BANGER.  That scares me.  I don’t want my sister to represent herself in the manner that Miley did.  I don’t want a girl who shakes her ass on stage or grabs her crotch while she sticks out her tongue to be the representation of our generation.

I miss the days when 7 things were bothering you Miley, and getting high on purp in the club with your shades on wasn’t such a priority.  What about the climb Miley?  Sweeeeeeet niblets.