5 Ways to Know You Have a Real GIRLFRIEND

 

This column needs no introduction, lets just get right to the list.

1. Her friends put a mixture of heart and crying faced emojis as a comment on an Instagram picture of you two. This picture is usually accompanied with a caption that has a quote about love or happiness from an 18 or 1900’s philosopher/writer.

This is the first true sign that you have arrived, there is a new guy in town and that guy is you my friend. Getting the friend’s approval is key when trying to supplant yourself as the alpha male. These are the people who are going to be in her ear each and every day, the people she will go to while you are in a fight. It is a must to start off on the right note by getting bombarded with as many Instagram comments as possible. Also acceptable comments by her friends : “I can’t even… So cute”, “Obsessed with you two!”, “My fav coupleeee”, and my personal favorite “Too much cuteness in one picture.” If you are able to pull of any combination of those, you are doing something right.

2. You become aware of her exact “time of the month”.

(My reaction each time I hear the news)

3. Buckle up buddy boy because you just obtained yourself a new personal shopper!

Say goodbye to shopping with good old mama bear and prepare to start shopping with your new GIRLFRIEND. Remember when your closet was a simple place filled with Nike brand t-shirts, basketball shorts in every color and any shirt that can be found at Tilly’s? Well, those days are long gone. Enter a new closet world, this time filled with an infusion of polo shirts, colored khaki shorts and flip-flops. Gone are the days when wearing hats to match your shirt is acceptable, you are now being thrown into a world where using hair gel is required. You are playing a never-ending game of dress up, so put a smile on your face and just let it happen.

4. The topic of poop suddenly becomes an everyday occurrence because surprisingly, girls really enjoy talking about poop. This includes the quantity, quality and the occasional “fart talk”.

This really should be no adjustment for you, you have talked about farts and poop with your friends for your whole life! This should actually be a place where the two of you bond the most in life. You can talk how many you have done that day, how you felt while it was happening, and if you are lucky you can even start to fart in front each other. That’s when you know you have found yourself a keeper.

5. Life becomes a whole lot better now that you have her.

This is the most important one. You will find that when she walks into a room, your face immediately lights up. An overwhelming jolt of butterflies (yes I said butterflies) in your stomach will start to surface and you will never be able to fathom how one single person could possibly make you so happy. Suddenly the bad things in life aren’t so bad because hey, you get to see your GIRLFRIEND today. Little things like watching television are that much better because you get to watch it with her in your arms. You will laugh like you have never laughed before. Tickle fights will have never been so fun. Doing nothing on a Friday night has never been so perfect because you get to be with her. Every mountain you have wanted to climb in life is now conceivable because you know she will be there to support you each and every step of the way. That is a powerful thing my friends. Only something that a GIRLFRIEND can provide.

As you can see, I am indeed of the romantic nature. But when you are as lucky as I am, you just can’t help it.