As we all know, week 1 of the NFL season was this past weekend, but more importantly, it was week 1 of the Fantasy Football season. Let’s just say my weekend was ruined because of how my team performed. I have decided to document how my Sunday and Monday went as I watched my team inevitably fail me. Enjoy.
My Team
QB- Tom Brady
RB- Jamaal Charles
RB- Steven Jackson
WR- A.J. Green
WR- Eric Decker
TE- Greg Olsen
WR/RB- Toby Gerhart (sigh)
K- Matt Prater
DEF- New York Jets
Wes and Daniel’s Team
QB- Matthew Stafford
RB- Maurice Jones-Drew
RB- Peyton Hillis
WR- Hakeem Nicks
WR- Stevie Johnson
TE- Coby Fleener
WR/RB- Pierre Garcon (ugh)
K- Dan Bailey
DEF- Chicago Bears
10:15: (Roll out of bed) It’s finally here! Football is back baby, and I get to watch all of the pre-games shows to help me make final adjustments to my line-up. (Look at the clock) What? It’s 10:15?!? I missed the start of the games!!
10:20: I log onto my computer to check out what I missed from the first 15 minutes of action. Okay, not too bad, the games have just started. I check out my line-up and like what I see. Toby Gerhart is a sneaky start at the flex this week that will score a touchdown at the very least.
10:30: Why is Adrian Peterson getting all of the carries? Wasn’t he supposed to be getting “limited snaps?” I knew this guy was a freak of nature. But, it’s okay Gerhart will still at least get some goal-line carries at the very least. (I say that timidly)
10:35: The Patriots have been held scoreless through the first quarter. What the hell Tom Brady you are supposed to be carrying my team to victory this year with all of your “new weapons.”
10:39: I traded Matt Ryan. I traded Matt Ryan. I traded Matt Ryan.
10:45: Touchdown Brady! There he is. It’s so nice owning somebody that you know is guaranteed solid points. I sat Brandon Lloyd (for Gerhart) this week so it would be appreciated if Tom wanted to keep the ball away from him.
10:50: RGIII is looking really good. Granted the Redskins have thrown six screen passes, but he still shows nice poise. He will be fun to watch. Just as long as he doesn’t throw it to Garcon today.
10:51: No… There’s no way. RGIII to Garcon for 88 yards. Since when is Pierre Garcon the second-coming of Jerry Rice and can make leaping catches and outrun everyone to the end zone?! Holy cow Saints get some speed on defense! That’s a 15 point play right there! Damnitttt.
10:55: I traded Matt Ryan. I traded Matt Ryan. I traded Matt Ryan.
10:57: JETS DEFENSE!! Wow, what a pick up for me. Punt return touchdown and a couple of picks? They are shaping up to have a nice day. Tebow must have given them strength. Hehehe.
11:00: Jamaal Charles looking like his old self on that 46 yard run right there! Now if only he can find a way to get into the end-zone…. He could easily have 100 yards and a touchdown by the end of the day.
11:10: Gerhart has 3 carries and AP has a touchdown. Woo hooooooooo. Reggie Wayne is on my bench. What a day so far. I love sleeping until 10:15.
11:15: Stafford is having a day. He really needs to keep this up, because unless my team starts banging home some touchdowns, I’m going to need a lot of help.
11:45: Antonio Cromartie pick 6! WHAT A PICKUP.
12:15: (Arrive at Cardinals Stadium) I’ve got my pizza in one hand, and all of the games in front of me. I am currently ahead 54-49 but I have half my team going right now, and they have their ENTIRE team.
12:30: Jets defense is starting to lose it, the Chiefs have stopped running the ball, the Patriots are in full running mode (who knew), and Steven Jackson cannot go anywhere when he gets the ball. This isn’t looking too good. Thank goodness his team isn’t lighting it up either.
12:35: I traded C.J. Spiller.
12:40: Touchdown Adrian Peterson. Gerhart has 5 carries for 12 yards. Reggie Wayne has 100 yards. Brandon Lloyd has 60.
12:42: My friend Daniel texts me saying “Well, you won.” I reply “Jets defense <3”
12:45: JETS DEFENSE?! What did you guys decide to quit? That’s 2 touchdowns in what feels like 2 minutes! Oh, and it went to Stevie Johnson. Great. He was playing with one groin! Ughhhhhhh there goes my lead.
12:55: Matthew Stafford who told you to start playing?! First of all, why couldn’t Steven Jackson somehow find the end-zone, and second of all, why did the Rams stop playing defense? Stafford had 2 points going into the 4th quarter.
1:00: Touchdown Stafford. 355 yards and 1 touchdown now. He has 16 points. I am now down 85-58.
1:00: I traded Kevin Smith.
1:05: Coby Fleener man, keep racking up those yards! Hell yeah.
1:10: Gerhart finishes with a whopping 6 carries for 18 yards. Reggie Wayne has 9 catches for 135 yards. Brandon Lloyd has 5 catches for 69 yards. Did I mention I love sleeping until 10:15?
1:15: I need at least 27 points from A.J. Green, Greg Olsen, and Eric Decker. Not impossible, I still like my chances. Lets go Cardinals!
5:15: Greg Olsen gave me 5 points. Not bad, but not great. So out of Decker and Green I need 26 points to win… I’m going to need some touchdowns.
5:45: Look at Manning feed Decker on the first couple of drives. I’m going to be fine! Decker will find the end-zone at least once. Easy.
6:15: My friend Brando owns Antonio Brown and he has been open in the end-zone quite a few times. He sinks his head in a pillow in agony. I know the feeling.
6:15: I traded Matt Ryan, C.J. Spiller, and Kevin Smith.
6:15: I started Toby Gerhart.
6:30: Don’t throw to Demaryius Peyton?! Decker has been your guy this entire preseason. Although, Demaryius is quite good.
6:40: Broncos defense may we please get the ball back top Peyton Manning?? I’m sick of these 10 minute drives. I’m going to lose. I’m officially throwing in the towel.
6:45: The power is out and the t.v. is gone. Brando cleverly says “What is it Hurricane Katrina outside??” Funny kid.
7:00: Power is back! Decker has been very quiet since the 1st quarter. I’m down 85-65 going into the second half. What the hell Peyton Manning? Decker was the one who was supposed to be your favorite target.
7:30: Another lonnnnnnng Steelers drive. Such a boring game. It would be way more exciting if Eric Decker was involved. Or if John Elway was on the sideline. Just kidding, we all know John Elway only comes down there if Tim Tebow is playing.
8:00: Eric Decker jump ball in the end-zone…. Dropped! Ughhhhh why couldn’t you hold onto that Eric?! That’s a 8 point play right there! We would have only been down by 12 going into Monday Night! That was my chance.
8:15: Well, Decker finishes with 5 points. That touchdown would have been huuuuuge! Ultimately I still love him this year, I think he and Manning have a good connection.
8:20: I cleverly name my team AJ For the Win in order to inspire A.J. to have a night tomorrow night. I almost named my team 110 and a TD (because A.J. needs 110 and a TD for me to win). Hopefully it doesn’t come back to bite me…
I could go onto chronicle the Monday Night game for you as well, but that would be too hard. I don’t want to relive that experience. A.J. drops 2 passes that equal 40 yards, and on the one deep ball thrown his way, Andy Dalton overthrows him by 20 yards. On top of it all, my boy Brando has Benjarvus Green-Ellis, so he had lots to cheer for. He ended up winning his matchup of course, and he won’t let me forget that I am currently in 11th place out of 12. Guess what place he is in? 1st. If I had started Reggie Wayne I would have won, and wouldn’t have to listen to any nonsense. I am no longer going to listen to the “fantasy expert’s” rankings and be known as a rankings slave (The League reference). I hate fantasy football…. Just kidding it’s the greatest thing ever created. Sometimes. Stay tuned for week 2.
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